A little bit about me.

1. I've found out that its incredibly easy to make me happy. But its also easy for me to get discouraged and insecure.

2. People always make eye contact me no matter where I'm walking, driving, flying whatever, I always catch people looking at me. I feel like I'm on the Truman Show.

3. I don't think that bumbling blondes make the hottest women in the world. I like classy women.

4. I absolutely hate it when people speed through school zones. It's my ultimate pet-peeve.

5. I'm not an activist for anything. I usually get my ideas across through other people. I like to stay under the radar, but still make my point heard.

6. I am a very persuasive person.

7. I LOVE music. It's a new passion.

8. I will do almost anything and sacrifice almost anything for a girl that I fall for.

9. I can make just about anything happen. It's a hidden talent that I don't show often.

10. My ultimate dream is to open a club out of an old abandoned warehouse.

11. I cry easily.

12. I have a secret love for techno and chick flicks.

13. I have a really bad short term and long term memory. I can usually only remember something if it was emotional and can remember the emotions.

14. I am a thinker, not a talker. I am drawn to people who talk a lot.

15. I am not afraid of death or dying at all. In fact the only reason why I'm still alive is because I'm so afraid of pain and hate to be hurt.

16. I have a self-image complex.

17. I don't like things out of symmetry. I am a perfectionist.

18. I absolutely love dogs. I hate seeing dogs in crates waiting to be adopted. I wish I had the resources to adopt every dog I saw that needed a home and take them to a huge dog ranch.

19. I am extremely charitable, but I won't tell you how.

20. If I could have any special power, I'd want the gift of healing. When I see hurt people, my heart goes out to them. Especially the blind. If I could I would heal them.

So what's up?

Ok, so the crap has hit the fan in my life. A relationship I REALLY wanted to work out has failed. And now I'm stuck in the phase where all I can think about is her and what I can do to win her back. All of my thoughts revolve around planning nice surprises to make her realize what she lost.

I do have to admit the break up was mutual. It was the most civil break up I've ever encountered. Basically when we first started dating, it was amazing. But shortly afterwards I was always under the impression that she'd lost interest in me. I'd ask her about it and ask her friends about it, and they always told me that she still really liked me. So I went about being overly analytical and I think that may have ruined it. I was also a bit overboard with compliments, she'd never know how to respond, and that may have pushed her away. And there was always that constant worry of what we'd do when I go back to BYU-I in Jan. So basically our relationship kinda fizzled out. But I want her back. I was a fool to break up with her.

About BYU-I now. So, I get an apt thinking I'll be up there Jan 3rd or so. I call to make my deposit on the apt. The lady says I need to talk to housing first. So I get transferred over to housing and they say I can't live in approved housing because I'm "no longer a student." So they ask if I want to be transferred to admissions. Admissions says I'm not a student because I didn't attend my semesters last year. They tell me I need to reapply. This could take a while.

BUT basically what happened was last year for Christmas I came home during the break. I was going to live with my Aunt in Colorado from Jan 08 to Apr 08 until my semester started. Well, I got a letter from BYU-I saying that I was on hold from registering because I hadn't payed for my last semester of schooling. Well, I was too poor to pay last semester, so I never paid. I was planning on paying sometime of course, but it was on the back burner. I didn't have any money to pay because I pay for my own schooling all out of my own pocket. I have NO student loans at all. I did apply for student aid, but because I'm not 24, the gov't thinks my parents need to pay for my schooling because they're rich. Whatever. So I never got student aid. So I tell my parents that I can't live in Colorado, and that I need to stay in Texas and work to pay off BYU-I. They say OK. I tell them that I'll be back in Sept. They say OK.

Sept rolls around and I still don't have enough for school. I tell my parents that I need to stay longer and they say OK. I tell them I'll be back in Jan. They say OK, but are getting worried. I've not been to school for an entire year now. I'd be worried too. BUT, I DO have plans on going back in Jan. I have enough money now. I've paid off BYU-I and have enough to pay for next semester.

So that's why I went to get an apt. Because I thought I'd be leaving. So this is where I learn that I'm not a student at BYU-I anymore because I'm poor. Thanks BYU-I.

So here is what I'm looking at now. I would be going to Idaho, with no where to live (it's nearly impossible to find cheap housing that's non-approved), I'd have no job (my old boss says that she's had to let people go due to lack of clients and that she's not hiring right now anyways), and I'd not be a student.

I think right now I'll stay in Texas until I get at least 2 of the 3 problems solved.

When love fails...

So once again relationships have failed me. I seem to have a one month curse. The past several relationships I've had have only lasted almost exactly a month. So I was thinking about things that don't fail me. They are as follows.

1. SPEED. My ultimate love. I love traveling as fast as I can. The only problem is, I hate getting caught with this love. But I press the limits as often as I can.

2. MUSIC. My other ultimate love. Music is the only love I have that will never fail me. There will always be music that makes me feel as good as any girl.

3. MOVIES. I LOVE movies. I can watch them and they make me feel like I have super powers. Like an action movie makes me feel like I'm tougher and more agile than I really am. A sappy movies makes me feel good about life..etc.

4. JESUS. Jesus will NEVER fail me. Sure, He may make me work, struggle and cry; and sometimes I wonder if He's really around, but the blessings He has given me cannot be denied.

Some days are funnier than others

So Jake and I have been friends for... forever. We get each other. Which is why this video is so funny. We have a mutual friend, Deborah, who Jake locked in the closet. I saw this as an opportunity and we played off of each other. Ha.

I've felt this way about everyone!

Yes, it's my new mantra. Whatever that is. To me it's like a little reminder about something I always struggle with.

Specifically talking about girls and my troubles with them.

I have another crush on another girl that I'm instantly head over heels with. I find her perfect, absolutely gorgeous and I'm even crazy to be considering other future things with her. I know I'm crazy I already know that.

My problem is I don't know how she feels about me. I never know how a girl feels about me.

Another problem is I'm leaving for Idaho in 2 months. So I don't want to win her heart and then leave her. It's happened to me before and it sucked.

So with not knowing how she feels about me and the dilemma of me leaving, my mind is twisted with not knowing what to do. I really like her! Alot!

So I was discussing this with a close friend telling her that my new crush is just absolutely perfect and embodies everything I could hope to have in a wife one day. She laughed at me and said that I've said that about EVERY girl I've ever told her about. And I've told her about them all.

This opened my eyes. It's true. I fall hard for any girl that shows interest in me. I'm working on over coming this, and I believe that with the new standard I've set for myself and my new mantra, I think that I'll finally get this relationship thing down.

So here goes. I've felt this way about everyone. :)

The Stone

Sometimes we don't understand our trials. There are many stories that help put this frustration into perspective. Here is one of my favorites.

There was a man who was asleep one night in his cabin when suddenly his room
filled with light and the Savior appeared. The Lord told the man He had a
work for him to do, and showed him a large rock in front of his cabin. The
Lord explained that the man was to push against the rock with all his might.
This the man did, day after day. For many years he toiled from sun up to sun
down, his shoulders set squarely against the cold, massive surface of the
unmoving rock pushing with all his might. Each night the man returned to his
cabin sore and worn out, feeling that his whole day had been spent in vain.
Seeing that the man was showing signs of discouragement, Satan decided to
enter the picture placing thoughts into the man's mind such as; "You have been
pushing against that rock for a long time and it hasn't budged. Why kill
yourself over this? You are never going to move it? etc."

Thus, giving the man the impression that the task was impossible and that he
was a failure.

These thoughts discouraged and disheartened the man even more. "Why kill
myself over this?" he thought. "I'll just put in my time, giving just the
minimum of effort and that will be good enough." And that he planned to do
until one day he decided to make it a matter of Prayer and take his troubled
thoughts to the Lord.

"Lord" he said, "I have labored long and hard in your service, putting all my
strength to do that which you have asked. Yet, after all this time, I have
not even budged that rock a half a millimeter. What is wrong? Why am I
failing?"

To this the Lord responded compassionately, "My friend, when long ago I asked
you to serve me and you accepted, I told you that your task was to push
against the rock with all your strength, which you have done. Never once did
I mention to you that I expected you to move it. Your task was to push. And
now you come to me, your strength spent, thinking that you have failed. But,
is that really so? Look at yourself. Your arms are strong and muscled, your
back brown, your hands are callused from constant pressure, and your legs have
become massive and hard.

Through opposition you have grown much and your abilities now surpass that
which you used to have. Yet you haven't moved the rock.

BUT YOUR CALLING WAS TO BE OBEDIENT, TO PUSH AND TO

EXERCISE YOUR FAITH AND TRUST IN MY WISDOM,
this you have done. I, my friend, I will now move the rock."

I read this story a long time ago and it was difficult to dig up from the depths of the internet. It makes me think... How many stones am I pressing on? Do I recognize the Lords aid? Do I even know I'm pressing against a stone?

A girl like...what?!

This may seem odd. But there is only one...female who I know completely loves me. And this is my wonderful dog. I was thinking, no girl is going to get my heart unless she shows me the same amount of love that my dog expresses! My dog is always there for me. Even though I know she doesn't understand, she always listens. She is ALWAYS happy to see me and that makes me feel good. She tries her hardest to make me happy. She does everything in her ability to show me how much she loves me.

I am one of those guys who instantly puts his heart on the line when a pretty girl shows even the smallest of attention. And I am really going to try hard to put this into action.

I've already explained this once before, but I'm always the one who does anything in a relationship. I'm always the one who says how good it is. And I'm always the one who gets dumped. I suppose then I've never had a real relationship. No matter how long or short they've been.

It's sad. I'm so bitter towards the whole dating thing, as I'm sure many other people are, because I always seem to be the one who ends up hurt.

Well not anymore. My heart is locked. My dog has set the standard. As sad as that is that I have to set standards for women based on a dog. Now that's irony.

The way I want to be!

I had an epiphany last night. I like who I am. I am me and I like that.

Let me expound. I was looking at youtube watching tuned cars race each other and realized that I'm probably the only person who get as much joy out of this as I do. And I'm perfectly happy with that!

I like the fact that my life doesn't revolve around sports.
I like the girls that I like.
I like the fact that I'm not like most guys.
I like that i don't think bumbling blondes are the hottest women.
I like that I don't think being the richest is the goal in life.

Basically I suppose I could say I like everything about everything I like!

I was thinking, I'm the only one in the world who agrees 100% with me. I'm the only one in the world where I don't have to accept or tolerate something about my personality. I'm the only one who agrees with my standards and understands them fully. I'm the only one who knows everything about me.

Movies are funny

A popular movie class in the comedy genera is the all known “sex comedy.” These movies are growing drastically in tolerance and popularity. It would seem that if it’s funny anything goes. This personally disgusts me. There are actors who seem to proliferate in these movies. They are as follows.

1. kal penn
2. jason biggs
3. seann william scott
4. eugene levy

These disgusting men encourage the acts of adultery, fornication, and other sexual sins; especially among the teenage population. And personally I will clap my hands and shout for joy when these men die.

Pearls

As I was leaving for work a church magazine caught my attention with a story flipped open. Some of you may remember the story about the little girl and her fake pearl necklace and how her father asks for her treasure only to be rewarded with a real pearl necklace. If you don't remember here is the story:

Jenny's Necklace
Jenny was a bright-eyed, pretty five-year-old girl. One day when she and her mother were checking out at the grocery store, Jenny saw a plastic pearl necklace priced at $2.50. How she wanted that necklace, and when she asked her mother if she would buy it for her, her mother said, "Well, it is a pretty necklace, but it costs an awful lot of money. I'll tell you what. I'll buy you the necklace, and when we get home we can make up a list of chores that you can do to pay for the necklace. And don't forget that for your birthday Grandma just might give you a whole dollar bill, too. "Okay?" Jenny agreed, and her mother bought the pearl necklace for her. Jenny worked on her chores very hard every day, and sure enough, her grandma gave her a brand new dollar bill for her birthday. Soon Jenny had paid off the pearls. How Jenny loved those pearls. She wore them everywhere-to kindergarten, bed and when she went out with her mother to run errands. The only time she didn't wear them was in the shower. Her mother had told her that they would turn her neck green! Now Jenny had a very loving daddy. When Jenny went to bed, he would get up from his favorite chair every night and read Jenny her favorite story. One night when he finished the story, he said, "Jenny, do you love me?" "Oh yes, Daddy, you know I love you," the little girl said. "Well, then, give me your pearls." "Oh! Daddy, not my pearls!" Jenny said. "But you can have Rosie, my favorite doll. Remember her? You gave her to me last year for my birthday. And you can have her tea party outfit, too. Okay?" "Oh no, darling, that's okay." Her father brushed her cheek with a kiss. "Goodnight, little one." A week later, her father once again asked Jenny after her story, "Do you love me?" "Oh yes, Daddy, you know I love you." "Well, then, give me your pearls." "Oh, Daddy, not my pearls! But you can have Ribbons, my toy horse. Do you remember her? She's my favorite. Her hair is so soft, and you can play with it and braid it and everything. You can have Ribbons if you want her, Daddy," the little girl said to her father. "No, that's okay," her father said and brushed her cheek again with a kiss. "God bless you, little one. Sweet dreams." Several days later, when Jenny's father came in to read her a story, Jenny was sitting on her bed and her lip was trembling. "Here, Daddy," she said, and held out her hand. She opened it and her beloved pearl necklace was inside. She let it slip into her father's hand. With one hand her father held the plastic pearls and with the other he pulled out of his pocket a blue velvet box. Inside of the box were real, genuine, beautiful pearls. He had had them all along. He was waiting for Jenny to give up the cheap stuff so he could give her the real thing. So it is with our Heavenly Father. He is waiting for us to give up the cheap things in our lives so he can give us beautiful treasure. Isn't God good? What are you holding on to, the "fake or the real pearls"? God only wants you to have the best.

Now we're always told to relate stories like this to our real lives because I'm sure that many of us don't care about pearls or anything like that, but for me perhaps pearls could be relationships. We've all had past failing relationships that make us feel like failures at everything. And I admit I'm very bitter right now because I'm trying to get over yet another failed relationship.

How does the story relate then? Think of our relationships as a fake plastic necklace; we work hard for it, we love it, it makes us feel good. Then for some reason it fails us and perhaps we find another relationship; better, lasting longer.

For me it causes me to wonder.. I've failed at every relationship. How many fake plastic necklaces is Heavenly Father going to make me work for, going to make me feel good about, going to make me hurt for? And when am I going to finally have my genuine pearl necklace?

My new life

So I took a look at my life and realized I was miserable. I'm miserable for a few reasons, some of which I've told a few close friends. But, my main reasons for being miserable are for two reasons.

One: I'm not in school anymore. Well I could be, but I just need to get back up to Idaho. I was taking a shower this morning and it hit me. I felt completely at peace with needing to get back up there and it just felt right. I felt good about myself for the first time in a while. I feel good when I'm at school. I feel good at BYU-I because there are people with my standards - people who are just good people all around. I haven't been as desirous to get back up to school for two reasons. One, I really hate driving from Texas to Idaho and the second is I get really distracted by girls. Which leads me to my second point of why I've been miserable

Two: I really like girls. I will do anything for them to get them to like me. Heck, I've been driving out to Louisiana the past weekends to see a girl who I'd hoped/hoping something would/will come of. But that's besides the point. What I'm trying to get at is I do so much for the girls I've liked in my past and they've done nothing to return all my dedication and loyalty to them. What I'm trying to say is I don't think I've met a girl who shows as much effort in a relationship as I have previously. What I think happens is this, I find a girl she shows interest at first so I convince myself she's the one for me, and then for some reason she loses interest, doesn't talk to me as much anymore, doesn't wanna hang out as much anymore, doesn't say things to me like, "hey, I still like you", or "hey i miss you." Nothing at all like that. And honestly that's all I would like, a "hey I miss you", or something. It's kind of a sad life so I'm rededicating myself. No girl is going to get my heart unless she shows me that she has some interest in me.

So basically, I am planning on going back up to Idaho to finish school. And I am not going to pursue anymore girls who don't show any interest in me.

So this is me

I figure my first post should be a little introduction.

Well, I was born in Mesa AZ, in May of 1984. Yeah that seems like quite a while ago... So after living there for about 3 years or so we moved to Colorado Springs, CO, to live with my mom's family while my dad took an internship in TX. We were in CO for only about 8 months and then we went to live with my dad again in Austin, TX. There my sister was born. I'm not sure how long we were in Austin, but right after that we moved to The Colony, TX, and I've been there ever since. Now considering that I myself moved around and lived in other places, The Colony, is my home..kinda.

I did the whole public education thing, and I don't remember anything of it. I start remembering my life at the point of my mission. I went to Las Vegas, NV. And holy cow that was a blast. Sept 03 to Sept 05. Wow, I'm coming up on 3 years being home, and still not married! Lol. That's ok, it fits in with my life goal. I'll get into that later.

Since being back from my mission, I've been to college and just been working. Not really sure what I am going to do with my life. Been in a few relationships, almost got married twice, and been to BYU-I. I'm still attending BYU-I. It's about the only thing going in the right direction in my life.

I have to say I'm an odd kid. I think differently than most people I know, I like different things that most. And I'm fine with that. I wasn't always because I always wanted to fit in. I've learned that fitting in is not important at all. Mostly I'm an organised mess.

So as of late, I work at a warehouse. Professional Image. The people I work for are members of my church so that's awesome! I am, well I suppose, I'm the warehouse manager. I take the calls for orders, get them ready and help UPS or FedEx ship them out. We sell wide format paper rolls and lamination to places like Kinko's and OfficeMax. It's pretty cool. Most of the time I just sit in my office and play on the computer. I get to wear shorts to work as well!

So my life has been pretty bland. I've never rebelled against anything. Never drank, smoked, done drugs, anything. Sure I have my problems, but I've never cause anyone else problems. I'm a quite kid. So I decided this needed to change. I got a bit more active in my singles branch and started to make myself a little bit more known. And come to find out I'm a lot of fun! So I took a couple girls out on dates and that was fun, but haven't been in any worth while relationships.

But that's all fizzled out and I think it's time to focus on school once again. I really want to get back up to BYU-I, finish my bachelors degree in Psychology (I'm a junior right now) and then move to Japan and teach English over there. Hopefully this can be accomplished in 2 years.

I know that's a dramatic life goal, and I'll probably be deterred because somethings might come up, like the impossibility to move to Japan, or I might get married...Ugh.

So that's the 15 min nutshell of me.