A little bit about me.

1. I've found out that its incredibly easy to make me happy. But its also easy for me to get discouraged and insecure.

2. People always make eye contact me no matter where I'm walking, driving, flying whatever, I always catch people looking at me. I feel like I'm on the Truman Show.

3. I don't think that bumbling blondes make the hottest women in the world. I like classy women.

4. I absolutely hate it when people speed through school zones. It's my ultimate pet-peeve.

5. I'm not an activist for anything. I usually get my ideas across through other people. I like to stay under the radar, but still make my point heard.

6. I am a very persuasive person.

7. I LOVE music. It's a new passion.

8. I will do almost anything and sacrifice almost anything for a girl that I fall for.

9. I can make just about anything happen. It's a hidden talent that I don't show often.

10. My ultimate dream is to open a club out of an old abandoned warehouse.

11. I cry easily.

12. I have a secret love for techno and chick flicks.

13. I have a really bad short term and long term memory. I can usually only remember something if it was emotional and can remember the emotions.

14. I am a thinker, not a talker. I am drawn to people who talk a lot.

15. I am not afraid of death or dying at all. In fact the only reason why I'm still alive is because I'm so afraid of pain and hate to be hurt.

16. I have a self-image complex.

17. I don't like things out of symmetry. I am a perfectionist.

18. I absolutely love dogs. I hate seeing dogs in crates waiting to be adopted. I wish I had the resources to adopt every dog I saw that needed a home and take them to a huge dog ranch.

19. I am extremely charitable, but I won't tell you how.

20. If I could have any special power, I'd want the gift of healing. When I see hurt people, my heart goes out to them. Especially the blind. If I could I would heal them.

So what's up?

Ok, so the crap has hit the fan in my life. A relationship I REALLY wanted to work out has failed. And now I'm stuck in the phase where all I can think about is her and what I can do to win her back. All of my thoughts revolve around planning nice surprises to make her realize what she lost.

I do have to admit the break up was mutual. It was the most civil break up I've ever encountered. Basically when we first started dating, it was amazing. But shortly afterwards I was always under the impression that she'd lost interest in me. I'd ask her about it and ask her friends about it, and they always told me that she still really liked me. So I went about being overly analytical and I think that may have ruined it. I was also a bit overboard with compliments, she'd never know how to respond, and that may have pushed her away. And there was always that constant worry of what we'd do when I go back to BYU-I in Jan. So basically our relationship kinda fizzled out. But I want her back. I was a fool to break up with her.

About BYU-I now. So, I get an apt thinking I'll be up there Jan 3rd or so. I call to make my deposit on the apt. The lady says I need to talk to housing first. So I get transferred over to housing and they say I can't live in approved housing because I'm "no longer a student." So they ask if I want to be transferred to admissions. Admissions says I'm not a student because I didn't attend my semesters last year. They tell me I need to reapply. This could take a while.

BUT basically what happened was last year for Christmas I came home during the break. I was going to live with my Aunt in Colorado from Jan 08 to Apr 08 until my semester started. Well, I got a letter from BYU-I saying that I was on hold from registering because I hadn't payed for my last semester of schooling. Well, I was too poor to pay last semester, so I never paid. I was planning on paying sometime of course, but it was on the back burner. I didn't have any money to pay because I pay for my own schooling all out of my own pocket. I have NO student loans at all. I did apply for student aid, but because I'm not 24, the gov't thinks my parents need to pay for my schooling because they're rich. Whatever. So I never got student aid. So I tell my parents that I can't live in Colorado, and that I need to stay in Texas and work to pay off BYU-I. They say OK. I tell them that I'll be back in Sept. They say OK.

Sept rolls around and I still don't have enough for school. I tell my parents that I need to stay longer and they say OK. I tell them I'll be back in Jan. They say OK, but are getting worried. I've not been to school for an entire year now. I'd be worried too. BUT, I DO have plans on going back in Jan. I have enough money now. I've paid off BYU-I and have enough to pay for next semester.

So that's why I went to get an apt. Because I thought I'd be leaving. So this is where I learn that I'm not a student at BYU-I anymore because I'm poor. Thanks BYU-I.

So here is what I'm looking at now. I would be going to Idaho, with no where to live (it's nearly impossible to find cheap housing that's non-approved), I'd have no job (my old boss says that she's had to let people go due to lack of clients and that she's not hiring right now anyways), and I'd not be a student.

I think right now I'll stay in Texas until I get at least 2 of the 3 problems solved.

When love fails...

So once again relationships have failed me. I seem to have a one month curse. The past several relationships I've had have only lasted almost exactly a month. So I was thinking about things that don't fail me. They are as follows.

1. SPEED. My ultimate love. I love traveling as fast as I can. The only problem is, I hate getting caught with this love. But I press the limits as often as I can.

2. MUSIC. My other ultimate love. Music is the only love I have that will never fail me. There will always be music that makes me feel as good as any girl.

3. MOVIES. I LOVE movies. I can watch them and they make me feel like I have super powers. Like an action movie makes me feel like I'm tougher and more agile than I really am. A sappy movies makes me feel good about life..etc.

4. JESUS. Jesus will NEVER fail me. Sure, He may make me work, struggle and cry; and sometimes I wonder if He's really around, but the blessings He has given me cannot be denied.

Some days are funnier than others

So Jake and I have been friends for... forever. We get each other. Which is why this video is so funny. We have a mutual friend, Deborah, who Jake locked in the closet. I saw this as an opportunity and we played off of each other. Ha.

I've felt this way about everyone!

Yes, it's my new mantra. Whatever that is. To me it's like a little reminder about something I always struggle with.

Specifically talking about girls and my troubles with them.

I have another crush on another girl that I'm instantly head over heels with. I find her perfect, absolutely gorgeous and I'm even crazy to be considering other future things with her. I know I'm crazy I already know that.

My problem is I don't know how she feels about me. I never know how a girl feels about me.

Another problem is I'm leaving for Idaho in 2 months. So I don't want to win her heart and then leave her. It's happened to me before and it sucked.

So with not knowing how she feels about me and the dilemma of me leaving, my mind is twisted with not knowing what to do. I really like her! Alot!

So I was discussing this with a close friend telling her that my new crush is just absolutely perfect and embodies everything I could hope to have in a wife one day. She laughed at me and said that I've said that about EVERY girl I've ever told her about. And I've told her about them all.

This opened my eyes. It's true. I fall hard for any girl that shows interest in me. I'm working on over coming this, and I believe that with the new standard I've set for myself and my new mantra, I think that I'll finally get this relationship thing down.

So here goes. I've felt this way about everyone. :)

The Stone

Sometimes we don't understand our trials. There are many stories that help put this frustration into perspective. Here is one of my favorites.

There was a man who was asleep one night in his cabin when suddenly his room
filled with light and the Savior appeared. The Lord told the man He had a
work for him to do, and showed him a large rock in front of his cabin. The
Lord explained that the man was to push against the rock with all his might.
This the man did, day after day. For many years he toiled from sun up to sun
down, his shoulders set squarely against the cold, massive surface of the
unmoving rock pushing with all his might. Each night the man returned to his
cabin sore and worn out, feeling that his whole day had been spent in vain.
Seeing that the man was showing signs of discouragement, Satan decided to
enter the picture placing thoughts into the man's mind such as; "You have been
pushing against that rock for a long time and it hasn't budged. Why kill
yourself over this? You are never going to move it? etc."

Thus, giving the man the impression that the task was impossible and that he
was a failure.

These thoughts discouraged and disheartened the man even more. "Why kill
myself over this?" he thought. "I'll just put in my time, giving just the
minimum of effort and that will be good enough." And that he planned to do
until one day he decided to make it a matter of Prayer and take his troubled
thoughts to the Lord.

"Lord" he said, "I have labored long and hard in your service, putting all my
strength to do that which you have asked. Yet, after all this time, I have
not even budged that rock a half a millimeter. What is wrong? Why am I
failing?"

To this the Lord responded compassionately, "My friend, when long ago I asked
you to serve me and you accepted, I told you that your task was to push
against the rock with all your strength, which you have done. Never once did
I mention to you that I expected you to move it. Your task was to push. And
now you come to me, your strength spent, thinking that you have failed. But,
is that really so? Look at yourself. Your arms are strong and muscled, your
back brown, your hands are callused from constant pressure, and your legs have
become massive and hard.

Through opposition you have grown much and your abilities now surpass that
which you used to have. Yet you haven't moved the rock.

BUT YOUR CALLING WAS TO BE OBEDIENT, TO PUSH AND TO

EXERCISE YOUR FAITH AND TRUST IN MY WISDOM,
this you have done. I, my friend, I will now move the rock."

I read this story a long time ago and it was difficult to dig up from the depths of the internet. It makes me think... How many stones am I pressing on? Do I recognize the Lords aid? Do I even know I'm pressing against a stone?

A girl like...what?!

This may seem odd. But there is only one...female who I know completely loves me. And this is my wonderful dog. I was thinking, no girl is going to get my heart unless she shows me the same amount of love that my dog expresses! My dog is always there for me. Even though I know she doesn't understand, she always listens. She is ALWAYS happy to see me and that makes me feel good. She tries her hardest to make me happy. She does everything in her ability to show me how much she loves me.

I am one of those guys who instantly puts his heart on the line when a pretty girl shows even the smallest of attention. And I am really going to try hard to put this into action.

I've already explained this once before, but I'm always the one who does anything in a relationship. I'm always the one who says how good it is. And I'm always the one who gets dumped. I suppose then I've never had a real relationship. No matter how long or short they've been.

It's sad. I'm so bitter towards the whole dating thing, as I'm sure many other people are, because I always seem to be the one who ends up hurt.

Well not anymore. My heart is locked. My dog has set the standard. As sad as that is that I have to set standards for women based on a dog. Now that's irony.