I've felt this way about everyone!

Yes, it's my new mantra. Whatever that is. To me it's like a little reminder about something I always struggle with.

Specifically talking about girls and my troubles with them.

I have another crush on another girl that I'm instantly head over heels with. I find her perfect, absolutely gorgeous and I'm even crazy to be considering other future things with her. I know I'm crazy I already know that.

My problem is I don't know how she feels about me. I never know how a girl feels about me.

Another problem is I'm leaving for Idaho in 2 months. So I don't want to win her heart and then leave her. It's happened to me before and it sucked.

So with not knowing how she feels about me and the dilemma of me leaving, my mind is twisted with not knowing what to do. I really like her! Alot!

So I was discussing this with a close friend telling her that my new crush is just absolutely perfect and embodies everything I could hope to have in a wife one day. She laughed at me and said that I've said that about EVERY girl I've ever told her about. And I've told her about them all.

This opened my eyes. It's true. I fall hard for any girl that shows interest in me. I'm working on over coming this, and I believe that with the new standard I've set for myself and my new mantra, I think that I'll finally get this relationship thing down.

So here goes. I've felt this way about everyone. :)

The Stone

Sometimes we don't understand our trials. There are many stories that help put this frustration into perspective. Here is one of my favorites.

There was a man who was asleep one night in his cabin when suddenly his room
filled with light and the Savior appeared. The Lord told the man He had a
work for him to do, and showed him a large rock in front of his cabin. The
Lord explained that the man was to push against the rock with all his might.
This the man did, day after day. For many years he toiled from sun up to sun
down, his shoulders set squarely against the cold, massive surface of the
unmoving rock pushing with all his might. Each night the man returned to his
cabin sore and worn out, feeling that his whole day had been spent in vain.
Seeing that the man was showing signs of discouragement, Satan decided to
enter the picture placing thoughts into the man's mind such as; "You have been
pushing against that rock for a long time and it hasn't budged. Why kill
yourself over this? You are never going to move it? etc."

Thus, giving the man the impression that the task was impossible and that he
was a failure.

These thoughts discouraged and disheartened the man even more. "Why kill
myself over this?" he thought. "I'll just put in my time, giving just the
minimum of effort and that will be good enough." And that he planned to do
until one day he decided to make it a matter of Prayer and take his troubled
thoughts to the Lord.

"Lord" he said, "I have labored long and hard in your service, putting all my
strength to do that which you have asked. Yet, after all this time, I have
not even budged that rock a half a millimeter. What is wrong? Why am I
failing?"

To this the Lord responded compassionately, "My friend, when long ago I asked
you to serve me and you accepted, I told you that your task was to push
against the rock with all your strength, which you have done. Never once did
I mention to you that I expected you to move it. Your task was to push. And
now you come to me, your strength spent, thinking that you have failed. But,
is that really so? Look at yourself. Your arms are strong and muscled, your
back brown, your hands are callused from constant pressure, and your legs have
become massive and hard.

Through opposition you have grown much and your abilities now surpass that
which you used to have. Yet you haven't moved the rock.

BUT YOUR CALLING WAS TO BE OBEDIENT, TO PUSH AND TO

EXERCISE YOUR FAITH AND TRUST IN MY WISDOM,
this you have done. I, my friend, I will now move the rock."

I read this story a long time ago and it was difficult to dig up from the depths of the internet. It makes me think... How many stones am I pressing on? Do I recognize the Lords aid? Do I even know I'm pressing against a stone?

A girl like...what?!

This may seem odd. But there is only one...female who I know completely loves me. And this is my wonderful dog. I was thinking, no girl is going to get my heart unless she shows me the same amount of love that my dog expresses! My dog is always there for me. Even though I know she doesn't understand, she always listens. She is ALWAYS happy to see me and that makes me feel good. She tries her hardest to make me happy. She does everything in her ability to show me how much she loves me.

I am one of those guys who instantly puts his heart on the line when a pretty girl shows even the smallest of attention. And I am really going to try hard to put this into action.

I've already explained this once before, but I'm always the one who does anything in a relationship. I'm always the one who says how good it is. And I'm always the one who gets dumped. I suppose then I've never had a real relationship. No matter how long or short they've been.

It's sad. I'm so bitter towards the whole dating thing, as I'm sure many other people are, because I always seem to be the one who ends up hurt.

Well not anymore. My heart is locked. My dog has set the standard. As sad as that is that I have to set standards for women based on a dog. Now that's irony.

The way I want to be!

I had an epiphany last night. I like who I am. I am me and I like that.

Let me expound. I was looking at youtube watching tuned cars race each other and realized that I'm probably the only person who get as much joy out of this as I do. And I'm perfectly happy with that!

I like the fact that my life doesn't revolve around sports.
I like the girls that I like.
I like the fact that I'm not like most guys.
I like that i don't think bumbling blondes are the hottest women.
I like that I don't think being the richest is the goal in life.

Basically I suppose I could say I like everything about everything I like!

I was thinking, I'm the only one in the world who agrees 100% with me. I'm the only one in the world where I don't have to accept or tolerate something about my personality. I'm the only one who agrees with my standards and understands them fully. I'm the only one who knows everything about me.

Movies are funny

A popular movie class in the comedy genera is the all known “sex comedy.” These movies are growing drastically in tolerance and popularity. It would seem that if it’s funny anything goes. This personally disgusts me. There are actors who seem to proliferate in these movies. They are as follows.

1. kal penn
2. jason biggs
3. seann william scott
4. eugene levy

These disgusting men encourage the acts of adultery, fornication, and other sexual sins; especially among the teenage population. And personally I will clap my hands and shout for joy when these men die.

Pearls

As I was leaving for work a church magazine caught my attention with a story flipped open. Some of you may remember the story about the little girl and her fake pearl necklace and how her father asks for her treasure only to be rewarded with a real pearl necklace. If you don't remember here is the story:

Jenny's Necklace
Jenny was a bright-eyed, pretty five-year-old girl. One day when she and her mother were checking out at the grocery store, Jenny saw a plastic pearl necklace priced at $2.50. How she wanted that necklace, and when she asked her mother if she would buy it for her, her mother said, "Well, it is a pretty necklace, but it costs an awful lot of money. I'll tell you what. I'll buy you the necklace, and when we get home we can make up a list of chores that you can do to pay for the necklace. And don't forget that for your birthday Grandma just might give you a whole dollar bill, too. "Okay?" Jenny agreed, and her mother bought the pearl necklace for her. Jenny worked on her chores very hard every day, and sure enough, her grandma gave her a brand new dollar bill for her birthday. Soon Jenny had paid off the pearls. How Jenny loved those pearls. She wore them everywhere-to kindergarten, bed and when she went out with her mother to run errands. The only time she didn't wear them was in the shower. Her mother had told her that they would turn her neck green! Now Jenny had a very loving daddy. When Jenny went to bed, he would get up from his favorite chair every night and read Jenny her favorite story. One night when he finished the story, he said, "Jenny, do you love me?" "Oh yes, Daddy, you know I love you," the little girl said. "Well, then, give me your pearls." "Oh! Daddy, not my pearls!" Jenny said. "But you can have Rosie, my favorite doll. Remember her? You gave her to me last year for my birthday. And you can have her tea party outfit, too. Okay?" "Oh no, darling, that's okay." Her father brushed her cheek with a kiss. "Goodnight, little one." A week later, her father once again asked Jenny after her story, "Do you love me?" "Oh yes, Daddy, you know I love you." "Well, then, give me your pearls." "Oh, Daddy, not my pearls! But you can have Ribbons, my toy horse. Do you remember her? She's my favorite. Her hair is so soft, and you can play with it and braid it and everything. You can have Ribbons if you want her, Daddy," the little girl said to her father. "No, that's okay," her father said and brushed her cheek again with a kiss. "God bless you, little one. Sweet dreams." Several days later, when Jenny's father came in to read her a story, Jenny was sitting on her bed and her lip was trembling. "Here, Daddy," she said, and held out her hand. She opened it and her beloved pearl necklace was inside. She let it slip into her father's hand. With one hand her father held the plastic pearls and with the other he pulled out of his pocket a blue velvet box. Inside of the box were real, genuine, beautiful pearls. He had had them all along. He was waiting for Jenny to give up the cheap stuff so he could give her the real thing. So it is with our Heavenly Father. He is waiting for us to give up the cheap things in our lives so he can give us beautiful treasure. Isn't God good? What are you holding on to, the "fake or the real pearls"? God only wants you to have the best.

Now we're always told to relate stories like this to our real lives because I'm sure that many of us don't care about pearls or anything like that, but for me perhaps pearls could be relationships. We've all had past failing relationships that make us feel like failures at everything. And I admit I'm very bitter right now because I'm trying to get over yet another failed relationship.

How does the story relate then? Think of our relationships as a fake plastic necklace; we work hard for it, we love it, it makes us feel good. Then for some reason it fails us and perhaps we find another relationship; better, lasting longer.

For me it causes me to wonder.. I've failed at every relationship. How many fake plastic necklaces is Heavenly Father going to make me work for, going to make me feel good about, going to make me hurt for? And when am I going to finally have my genuine pearl necklace?

My new life

So I took a look at my life and realized I was miserable. I'm miserable for a few reasons, some of which I've told a few close friends. But, my main reasons for being miserable are for two reasons.

One: I'm not in school anymore. Well I could be, but I just need to get back up to Idaho. I was taking a shower this morning and it hit me. I felt completely at peace with needing to get back up there and it just felt right. I felt good about myself for the first time in a while. I feel good when I'm at school. I feel good at BYU-I because there are people with my standards - people who are just good people all around. I haven't been as desirous to get back up to school for two reasons. One, I really hate driving from Texas to Idaho and the second is I get really distracted by girls. Which leads me to my second point of why I've been miserable

Two: I really like girls. I will do anything for them to get them to like me. Heck, I've been driving out to Louisiana the past weekends to see a girl who I'd hoped/hoping something would/will come of. But that's besides the point. What I'm trying to get at is I do so much for the girls I've liked in my past and they've done nothing to return all my dedication and loyalty to them. What I'm trying to say is I don't think I've met a girl who shows as much effort in a relationship as I have previously. What I think happens is this, I find a girl she shows interest at first so I convince myself she's the one for me, and then for some reason she loses interest, doesn't talk to me as much anymore, doesn't wanna hang out as much anymore, doesn't say things to me like, "hey, I still like you", or "hey i miss you." Nothing at all like that. And honestly that's all I would like, a "hey I miss you", or something. It's kind of a sad life so I'm rededicating myself. No girl is going to get my heart unless she shows me that she has some interest in me.

So basically, I am planning on going back up to Idaho to finish school. And I am not going to pursue anymore girls who don't show any interest in me.